Category: Satire
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Milwaukee Bucks claim losing is part of strategy, ‘we’ve got em’ right where we want em’
UPDATE: The Milwaukee Bucks successfully pulled off their mission to miss the championship, despite once again having the best record in all the NBA during the regular season and Giannis attaining both Defensive Player of the Year and MVP honors. The NBA playoffs have finally begun inside the bubble and after a lackluster start during…
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Trump tweets record 20,000 times in 24 hours
Well, it’s finally happened. President Donald J. Trump has officially shattered his own record for tweets in a single day! He hit 21,799 tweets yesterday ALONE. His previous daily record was a measly 17,489 tweets, which he achieved last Christmas by tweeting “Merry Christmas” frontwards and backwards in every known language, including Elvish from The…
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Joe Biden 87% Sure He Knows What Day It Is
Joe Biden has had a busy 2020. Although, much like the rest of us, it hasn’t gone the way he had planned. Yes, he’s finally accepted the Democratic Nomination for President of the United States, but he’s also had to spend time learning that the word “zoom” doesn’t just refer to a function on a…
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Coronavirus Caused By Aliens, So Say Idiots
We live in strange times. People are stock piling toilet paper. March Madness was cancelled. I have this rash that I’m afraid to tell my roommates about. It’s probably contagious, so I feel like a dick about it, but I stopped checking on it last week because it’s f*cked up to look at. Point is:…
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BREAKING: Local farmer realizes it’s as much the cold as it is the wind chill
NORTH DAKOTA – It was a typical Monday morning on the plains with a sky bluer than Bob Saget’s jokes when Vern finished his morning chores down at the feedyard, came in for his fourth cup of coffee, and remembered that he had to go uptown and pick up some mineral for the mama cows.…
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DiCaprio Remaking Titanic, Has Never Forgiven James Cameron For ‘Murder’ Of Jack
Leonardo DiCaprio is one of the most well-known, accomplished actors of his generation. He has worked with legends, is beloved by millions, and won an Oscar for getting intimate with a bear. Over the years, the ending of Titanic has been put into question. Did the boat actually sink? Of course it did, that’s pretty…
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Billie Eilish Records New Album, Reveals NyQuil As Secret To Her Success
What started as a mild headache, ended with a catchy new album from the kindergartner- I mean teen sensation, Billie Eilish. If you aren’t a teenage girl or subscribed to the YouTube channel “Millennial Mayhem,” I’ll catch you up. Billie is an American singer, songwriter and apparently director. Let’s not get carried away, if I…
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EXCLUSIVE: Robert Downey, Jr. Suing Universal For Making Dolittle | A Sit Down With RDJ
As the headline suggests, this story became much bigger than I ever intended. What was supposed to be a fluff piece about Robert Downey, Jr. and his life after the Marvel Cinematic Universe turned into the scoop of the decade (partially because it’s January 2020). The source of the rift between Universal and the legendary…
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BREAKING: Vikings' QB Kirk Cousins Announces Early Retirement, Has New Partnership Deal
Minneapolis, MN – Early Friday afternoon, Kirk Cousins took to Twitter to confirm the rumors that he is in fact leaving the NFL. The star quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings, informed his manager and teammates during an interview that the decision was “difficult, but necessary”. Following the sudden end to the Viking’s playoff run after…